Starbucks spills plans on instant coffee

instant coffee

I can only imagine what executives at Starbucks must have been thinking/drinking/smoking (pick one) when they prepared a schedule press announcements for this month.

Let’s see how the planning session really happened in another popular installment of Behind the Green Door:

We need to create some brand value. I know, we’ll announce a “value meal” on Tuesday, Feb. 3. Everybody loves those adorable McDonald’s Happy Meals; since they’ve taken so much of our market share, we should try to be just like them. We can package together our coffees with some kind of low margin food item and maybe add a plastic toy that will redefine the Starbucks “3rd place” experience to be a “quick and cheap” place. Brilliant! High fives all around the boardroom.

We need to attract more regular coffee drinkers, like Dunkin’ Donuts. How about we announce that we’re handing out pink slips on Wednesday, Feb. 11 to show “Joe Plumber” that we’re hurting too. Everybody else is doing it anyway, and with their valuable Starbucks work experience behind them, I’m sure that they’ll be able to get a new job at the McCafe opening across the street.

We need a perfect way to close the week on Feb. 13: I know, instant coffee! It will be an instant success. (Executives burst out in forced laughter)

Everybody loves delicious Nescafe and Folgers coffees, so we need to use our premium brand to get a slice of the rapidly expanding third world coffee market. Yeah — it will make our regular customers feel like they’re in a real coffee growing region where all the best stuff is exported. Now that’s really going to make the Starbucks experience special, just like Folgers. Thumbs up all around. Howard Schultz slams his cup of coffee to the ground and imitates an end zone dance.

This concludes our latest episode of Behind the Green Door. Hopefully for a long time.

As with New Coke, only history can judge the success of these initiatives. If you ask me, I call it one grande brand(e) disaster in the making.

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Starbucks spills plans on instant coffee

One Response

  1. I wouldn’t be surprised if Starbuck’s is bankrupt by the end of the year. They are grasping at straws. I actually feel bad for the franchise that they have essentially become the poster boy for overspending. “Just quit going to Starbucks and all your debt will go away.”

    Michael @ The Life Insurance Insider February 16, 2009 at 11:23 am #

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